What do you mean I can’t stay in my house forever?

I’m a freaking out right now.

Christmas is a difficult time for me, mostly due to the social expectations. I don’t enjoy the gift giving and dread the receiver not liking what I chose. I dread receiving something I don’t like and having to pretend I do, mostly because there is not one want or need to be had at this very moment.

I hate that I now have two Christmas’ to suffer through. I hate the Christmas music my Dad plays and the fact that the holiday I did not celebrate for most of my life is now a huge production for my step-niece who tosses gifts aside as if they are the wrapping around a spork. I don’t get along with my step-sister, and I am dreading having to try my hardest to not make her boyfriend feel like I don’t like him.

Silence should be treasured, not perceived as being sad or angry.

Fuck Your Functioning Labels

Hello readers,

Sorry for the hiatus; on a positive note, this a perfect time for a post about the concept of “functioning” regarding Autism.

*I will no longer refer to nonAutistics as NT or Neurotypical as I feel like this is almost becoming a slur. 

As mentioned before, I do not support functioning labels. I believe they are insulting to those who are perceived as lower functioning, and dismissive to those who are perceived as higher functioning. There is a great divide in the Autism community that is perpetuated by these ridiculous labels. Recently, I saw many of the opinions on a Facebook thread with a video titled “Do you believe the spectrum is too wide”?

Pretty vitriolic “support”, am I right?

Studio Apartment.

Husband is watching the new X-Men movie, which is just unnecessarily loud. The dialogue is super quiet so he turns it up, but the action scenes are a nightmare of clustered noises.

Someone decided that at this point in the movie, they would layer the music with the sound of a heart beating, and people screaming, and guns popping, and various sound effects.

I struggle because I know he really wants to watch the movie, but I also feel like clawing my ear drums out.

I need to buy some noise-canceling headphones or earplugs that do not hurt my ears soon. Suggestions welcome, preferably an earphone that can be worn in the classroom without being too obvious.

All I hear is that fucking heart beat.

Forgive me.

I might be quiet for a short time.

I am finding it hard to accomplish much at the moment and my concentration is nearly nonexistant.

I am exhausted and my mood is reflective of that. Combative and overwhelmed.

Everything is too much and I so wish this semester was over with.

On another note: It really excites me that some people reading this are not from the United States. I love that I can comment on someone’s blog and they don’t even have to know English!

It is really fucking cool. HELLO EVERYONE FROM SWEDEN, NORWAY, ECT. *wave*

Was I a burden on my parents?

I think I might do a video tonight, but I wanted to write a short post today. I’m not sure my thoughts are quite coherent or well structured at this moment, so it might come across as rambling. I apologize.

These comment snippets were grabbed from discussions on Facebook in regards to two videos, this one and this one.

As an Autistic adult, it can sometimes hurt to be a part of these communities. On one hand, your opinion is quickly dismissed because “you must not have a child with Autism, like me” when they don’t know you have Autism. Trying to have an opinion about how an Autistic child is being raised as someone who was an Autistic child is next to impossible in these communities. On the other, you get this weird glimpse into how parents feel about their children.

To clarify, there are comments posted from parents of Autistic children and Autistic adults themselves who disagree with what was happening in the first video, and the reactions to the second.

When you read some of these, and look back to your own childhood, it can become a bit depressing. I did not have a mother who loved me, and I wonder if my glitches just pushed her further away.

Having me as a child was something to endure? Having an Autistic child is heartbreaking? I was a challenge? Autistic children are manipulative? Autistic children thrive off of any kind of attention?Contemplation of these thoughts can be confusing. Is having an Autistic child a source of grief?

Furthermore, as it has been mentioned before, the line of who has the disability has become extremely blurred. Does the Autistic child have the disability, or is the parent disabled by their Autistic child. YOU HAVE NO CLUE WHAT IT IS LIKE HAVING AN AUTISTIC CHILD. MY CHILD WAS NOT BORN NORMAL AND THEREFORE MY LIFE IS THAT MUCH MORE OF A STRUGGLE. 

What about the gem regarding “high-functioning” Autistics being accepted more than low-functioning, and therefore “high-functioning” Autistics do not struggle as much. What?

When did someone who cares for an Autistic gain this ultimate understanding of what Autism is like and become the beacon of all knowledge ever about the subject? Was I just some difficulty that my parents endured?

Should parents of Autistic children be praised for not abusing or killing their child? For having the patience to deal with this “difficult” child that requires more than a “normal” child?

Sometimes these feelings creep into how I feel as an adult. Am I a shitty friend, wife, daughter? Sometimes I get upset because my dog cannot speak English because I want him to say I love you and assure me I am being a good mother.

I’m certainly not going to try and force my dog to magically learn how to speak my language. I can read his body language well enough to get by, why can’t they?

P.S. I am CFBC and my dogs are my children. Accept that.

When is having a disability a reason, not an excuse?

This post does not go into the medical vs social model of disability. When I talk about disability, I tend to come from a scientific standpoint. Blame the fact that my education and career choice center around science. I support those who recognize the social model of disability, but my topic doesn’t do much to clarify my thoughts or stance. Please don’t misinterpret it.

The other night­­­­, my husband told me that since my diagnosis, he has never been happier in our relationship. We had struggled a good time before and after the wedding, and the beginning steps to the diagnosis were taken to improve our marriage. He expressed that my “glitches” finally made sense, and he understands me more. He is able to sympathize in situations that normally left him confused and hurt. More than anything, he accepts me and works with my limitations and weirdness.
If my husband can accept my disability, and therefore excuse my behavior when it can be deemed socially inappropriate or hurtful, why can’t that sentiment be extended to strangers who also suffer from a disability that is also invisible?

Merriam-Webster defines the word disability as:

I know I know. If you’re part of the Autism “community”, you probably frequently see things posted like, “Autism. It’s not a Disability. It’s a different ability”.

Ahem. Merriam-Webster defines the word ability as:

In order to be diagnosed with a disorder, like Autism, one must satisfy certain diagnostic criteria, of which are described as deficits in certain areas of functioning, or a barrier to the cognitive process. Autism is a disability. No amount of cutesy sayings will change that.

My child is more Autistic than yours.

I was inspired to write after reading this blog post, “Communication is more than words. It’s feelings, movement, emotion and so much more…“.

Her words confirmed my hesitation regarding the creation of this blog. She writes, “We (every single Autistic adult I know) want so much to be understood and seen as valuable voices of experience and advice for parents of Autistic children. We don’t want the next generation of Autistic people to grow up as so many of us did (or didn’t) whether we were diagnosed (or misdiagnosed) or not. We want better. We know we deserved better, but there’s no use crying over spilt milk, so we passionately endeavor to reach out to the adults currently parenting Autistic children. But the sad part of this is that most of these parents want nothing to do with us. They say we are not like their children. They insult us with ableist comments. Some make threats. Their words are cruel, and they hurt. They say, “the fact that you are even capable of typing means that you are not at all like my child. My child will never speak, My child will never type. My child will never (insert anything here- they truly believe their child will never do anything)”.
When I was researching Autism during the diagnostic process, I became aware that there is a war in the community. It seems to me that there are parents of Autistic children on one side, and adults with Autism on the other. If you can type coherently, you are not Autistic. Your struggle as an Autistic adult is no match for the struggles of the parent with an Autistic child.

Sensory Overload!

Lying in bed the other night, I noticed a repetitive sound that was new to my environment. I asked my husband if he heard the sound. We realized the fan above our bed was the culprit. For some reason or another, it had started making a clicking sound. Exasperated, I stated that it was time for a new fan. My husband laughed and said, “ I really should create a Twitter and name it Shit My Autistic Wife Says”. I laughed, but only at the fact that I indeed was serious about replacing the fan.

When I first created this blog, I was sitting in the library between classes. Each Monday and Wednesday, I have hours to kill between my classes at different campuses and I hide away in a study room. As you have noticed, the name of my blog is, “The Lights Are Too Loud”. I have sensory input issues, and my enemy in life is fluorescent lighting. On this day, the lights around me were unbearable. The longer I sat, the more uncomfortable I became. The buzzing became louder, and louder, and louder. I started becoming distressed and I had to leave. After I typed in the name of this blog, I packed up my belongings and rushed out to my car to escape. The typical sensory overload experience.

The DSM-5 lists in the Autism Spectrum Disorder criteria:
Hyper- or hyporeactivity to sensory input or unusual interests in sensory aspects of the environment (e.g., apparent indifference to pain/temperature, adverse response to specific sounds or textures, excessive smelling or touching of objects, visual fascination with lights or movement).

My first video blog is up!

Hello everyone!

As I said, I want to use both video and the written word in this blog. I created two videos last night, one of which I have uploaded. The other video is going to accompany a blog to come which talks about Sensory Processing Disorder!